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Pirate
Attention, crew!
Parrot
There are two of us.
Pirate
Exactly! Attention, entire crew!
Parrot
Impressive turnout.
Pirate
I have made an important decision.
Parrot
Those are usually dangerous.
Pirate
From this day forward, we shall live by... (dramatic pause) THE PIRATE CODE!
Parrot
Should I sit down for this?
Pirate
Every great pirate has a code!
Parrot
Most of them can read theirs.
Pirate
Rule Number One: The captain is always right.
Parrot
Starting strong, I see.
Pirate
Rule Number Two: If the captain is wrong, refer to Rule Number One
Parrot
Ah. The old "I'm right because I said so" strategy.
Pirate
It's a classic.
Parrot
For five-year-olds.
Pirate
Rule Number Three: The captain gets first choice of treasure.
Parrot
We don't have any treasure.
Pirate
Preparation!
Parrot
For a problem we don't have.
Pirate
Exactly!
Pirate
Rule Number Four: The captain gets the best seat.
Parrot
On what?
Pirate
Whatever we're sitting on.
Parrot
Parrot
So the rule changes depending on the furniture?
Pirate
That's leadership
Parrot
That's making things up.
Pirate
Rule Number Five: All crew members must compliment the captain once per day.
Parrot
Fine
Parrot
Your hat appears to be functioning correctly.
Pirate
Thank you.
Parrot
That was not a compliment.
Parrot
I think the code needs balance.
Pirate
Balance?
Parrot
Yes. Some rules for the captain.
Pirate
That's ridiculous.
Parrot
Why?
Pirate
Because I wrote it.
Parrot
Exactly.
Pirate
Fine, one rule.
Parrot
Rule Number Six: The captain must listen when the parrot speaks.
Pirate
Dangerous.
Parrot
Rule Number Seven: No shouting before breakfast.
Pirate
Impossible.
Parrot
Rule Number Eight: No declaring emergencies unless there is an actual emergency.
Pirate
Define emergency.
Parrot
Imaginary storms don't count.
Pirate
We may have different definitions.
Pirate
Rule Number Nine: The captain may ignore Rules Six through Eight.
Parrot
Rule Number Ten: The parrot may ignore Rule Nine.
Pirate
Rule Eleven: Rule Ten doesn't count.
Parrot
Rule Twelve: It does.
Pirate
Rule Thirteen: It doesn't.
Parrot
Rule Fourteen: It does.
Pirate
Fifteen!
Parrot
Sixteen!
Pirate
Seventeen!
Parrot
Eighteen!
Pirate
Are we helping?
Parrot
Not even slightly.
Pirate
Rule Nineteen: Tuesdays are Double-Captain Days
Parrot
What does that mean?
Pirate
Twice the captain.
Parrot
That's not how captains work.
Pirate
Rule Twenty: The captain may speak dramatically whenever necessary.
Parrot
Define necessary.
Pirate
Always.
Parrot
I knew that was coming.
Pirate
Rule Twenty-One: All arguments with the captain must be submitted in writing.
Parrot
We don't have paper.
Pirate
Then I win by default.
Parrot
That's alarmingly clever.
Pirate
How many rules do we have now?
Parrot
At least twenty-one.
Pirate
Excellent.
Parrot
Can you remember them?
Pirate
Of course.
Pirate
Read them back to me.
Parrot
I don't remember them either.
Pirate
Then how do we know if we're following the code?
Parrot
We don't.
Pirate
Brilliant!
Parrot
That's the opposite of brilliant.
Pirate
This code shall guide pirates for generations!
Parrot
Generations of whom?
Pirate
Future pirates!
Parrot
The future pirates are going to need a lawyer.
Pirate
Rule Twenty-Two: No lawyers.
Parrot
Of course.
Pirate
The code is complete!
Parrot
The code is doomed
Pirate
Rule Twenty-Three—
Parrot
No.